


Captchalogued Memories

by Tien



Category: Homestuck
Genre: After the Game AU, Captchalogue Card John, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-13
Updated: 2012-03-13
Packaged: 2017-11-01 21:56:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/361699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tien/pseuds/Tien
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The game is over, but lives were lost.<br/>Dave discovers there might be a way to bring back a fallen friend.<br/>But, is the thing he creates the same as his memories?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Captchalogued Memories

**Author's Note:**

> Hey if there are any mistakes yell at me!  
> Also, this is rather long, on DA I posted it in three parts, here I'm going to try it all as one.  
> I hope it's not too much. 
> 
> I think I got all the spacing errors, I'll go through it again later though. 
> 
> I might add a few scenes in to make it flow, but then again, I might not.  
> 

"The Heir is dead, we have no breath." 

\---

"John? John, bro, is that you?"

"Hi Dave!" 

"Holy shit. It worked." Dave ran forward and hugged the boy tightly. "Fuck, John, I missed you."

"Missed me?" He asked, "I don't get it, Dave?"

The blond started laughing quietly, "Of course you don't." He stepped back from John. "You're not him." He turned away and stared down at a card in his hand, "I should have known this was a dumb idea from the start. I'm a fucking moron."

A hand rested on Dave's shoulder, "Dave?" 

"Get away from me!" he turned and swiped John's hand away. "Don't touch me!" 

"D-Dave?!" John backed away terror beginning to show in his eyes. "Dave what's wrong? Dave?"

"Stop saying my name!" He cursed himself for reacting like this. He glanced away from the card and focused on John. "Listen to me. You are not John; you are an experiment that should never have happened." He held up the card. "This is you. You are nothing but data stored in this card." 

"I...I don't, Dave? Is that a Captchalogue Card?" He stepped forward a bit and examined the card up close. "Dave...is that, me?" 

He looked away, "Yes," he said ashamed. "I've been experimenting with ways to bring you back ever since you died."

"I died?" He stumbled backwards falling over his own legs. "Dave? Tell me this is a joke, that I'm the butt end of a huge prank." He looked up at Dave's familiar shades. "Please. Please tell me this is a prank. You got me, haha good one." But as he babbled away he realized that this was all truth. Dave wasn't joking around. He stood on trembling legs and found a mirror. His face looked exactly how he remembered, except for his eyes. "Oh god." His hand shot up to his face. He pulled on his bottom eyelid. They were blue, still blue, but there was a thick neon green ring around both of his irises. He turned back to Dave, the mirror showed himself at thirteen, not a bit older. The Dave in front of him wasn't thirteen; he was older now at least eighteen. His legs gave out again and he fell to the floor.

He trembled and held himself tightly, "Oh god, oh god, oh god." Dave stepped forward and knelt in front of him. "Dave...oh god. I'm, I'm not..." He buried his face in his hands and curled up tightly. 

"I know, you're not John. I'm sorry." He held the card up and re-captchalogued him. "I'm so sorry."

Dave had been working tirelessly to find a way to bring John back ever since the boy died in the game. He had ceased interactions with his friends and most of the world. There had to be a way. But as he stared down at the card in his hand he began to regret everything he ever did. "This wasn't the answer. Making a copy of John won't bring him back dumbass." He tossed the card on the counter of his makeshift lab and walked up stairs. 

\---

"Hi Dave!"

That cheerful greeting still bugged the Strider no matter how many times he heard it. "Sup." 

"How was your day? Was school fun? What about work? I cleaned the rooms, I hope that was ok. I don't have much else to do." 

"Would you shut up? You're giving me a headache."

"S-Sorry." 

Dave stared at the boy on his couch, he couldn't bring himself to destroy the card, it felt too much like murder. Even though the being in front of him wasn't technically alive and never needs to eat or drink. He wasn't really alive, so did it even count as murder? He had no idea. "You don't have to clean my house, you're not my maid."

"I know that. I just honestly don't have anything to do." He watched Dave shrug off his coat and kick off his shoes. "You don't let me on the computer or near a phone-"

"That's because you'd just hop on pesterchum, we've been through this. You can't contact the others."

"I-I know that! I wouldn't. I'm just bored. Also, I've seen how busy you are, so I figured I'd do some of the chores, since you don't have time anymore. Which is kinda ironic if you think about it, since you used to be the Knight of-"

"Shut up!" Dave yelled suddenly. "Do not mention that game in my presence, ever. Understand?"

"Y-Yes...Sorry Dave. I'll be more careful." He turned away from Dave and stared back at the T.V. Dave had told him that three years had passed since they beat Sburb. But the topic was a sore subject for his friend and John could never get him to talk about it. His own memories stopped abruptly when they met the trolls. At least he remembered them. John leaned back and sighed, he didn't want to think about having anymore holes in his already limited memory. A hand rested on John's head, he looked up, "Dave?"

"I'm, sorry." He apologized quickly. "This is still very weird to me. No, beyond weird. This is fucking insane. It's not your fault though, you didn't anything." He removed his hand and walked into the kitchen to grab something microwavable to eat. He could still see John on the couch, resting his head on his knees. "Strider what the hell are you doing?" He didn't have an answer for himself. He didn't know why he didn't just leave the boy inside the Captchalogue Card. Keep him there and put him in a file cabinet somewhere and forget. 

Now he has this thing, it's John, but it's not John, and it's living in his house. It greets him at the door and smiles and bounces around like a happy idiot. Just like he used to. It makes sense though; he did create him using John as a base. It's like having a thirteen year old clone of him. That's what he's like in reality, a clone, not John. He was determined to keep thinking that way as well.

The microwave beeped and Dave pulled the leftover Asian food from the machine. He sat down on the same couch as John, but didn't glance over at him. "What's on the T.V?"

"Nothing really." He tossed Dave the remote. "Watch what you want." He pulled his legs in closer and made every attempt to not look at Dave. He knew his friend was still agitated. He was also aware that his presence alone can make him uncomfortable. John never wanted that, ever. "Should I leave?" He asked not looking over. His eyes were trained on the television watching vaguely as advertisements flashed across the screen. 

"No it's cool. You can stay," the Strider responded. John didn't move, it didn't even look like he was breathing, which for all Dave knew, he didn't have to. 

An eerie silence settled down on the two. "Y-you know, I think I'm going to go after all. I'll just go stare at the wall of my room or something. Heh heh." He went to get up but found his arm firmly in Dave's grasp. "D-Dave?" he asked as he was suddenly pulled back down on the couch and moved closer to the blond.

"You're not going anywhere." He released the boys arm and kept staring at the television. "You may not be my John, but you do have your own conscience and awareness. You're not going to be forced to live tiptoeing around me your whole existence." 

John sat awkwardly next to Dave. Nothing made much sense to him. He knew that Dave was bothered by the fact that he was even, as he put, "existing" not "living" it just confused the boy even more when he wanted him around. He thought maybe Dave was coming around and wanted his company more. "Hey Dave, you never did say how your day was."

He grumbled and gave a few one word answers. "So, uh, Dave, what do you want to do after this?"

"I'm going to go to my lab; you're doing to do whatever the hell you want." He paused, "That isn't going outside, on the computer, or on the phone." 

John sighed and nodded. "Sounds good. I'll be quiet now, you are busy eating." He slumped back against the couch and pulled his legs up again. 'I'm not his friend, who am I trying to kid?' Eventually Dave did get up and leave, going straight to his lab, just like he said. John flipped the T.V to a different input and grabbed for an Xbox controller. Videogames were better than watching the wall.

\---

Your name is John Egbert andwait that's not really true. Well, yeah your name is technically John Egbert, but that's not who you are. That title is reserved for a boy who died years ago in a game. You're nothing but an imitation. Dave has told you this over and over. He makes sure you know that you are not, and never will be, John Egbert. 

You are currently stationed in Dave's room. Occasionally Dave desires your company when he sleeps. He's never done anything sexual to you, he's your creator, and in your mind anyways, a friend. There are times where he can't handle you. He often puts you back in your card and you wait there for days, sometimes weeks until he lets you back out. 

It's fine. Everything's fine. You're ok with it. He doesn't mean harm, and being inside your Capchalogue Card doesn't hurt you or anything. Sometimes it's unexpected, but other times he tells you. You're not a person after all, just data, so who are you to complain? It's not your business what Dave Strider does. You just wish maybe he'd start to see you. The real you. It has been almost a half a year since you were first created. 

There are nights, similar to this one where Dave requests you to stay with him. You wait patiently on his bed for him to emerge. When he does you slip under the covers and he joins you. Immediately you move closer to him and allow him to slide his arms around you and bury his face in your hair, or neck. He whispers things to you. He tells you he loves you, and always has loved you. He makes sure to tell you to not listen, and understand that these words aren't actually for you, they're for John. You know this. But night after night you listen to him say your name, you hear him confess over and over to you, but not to you. It's hard and you feel awful, like crying, if you could. 

You don't need to eat, or drink; you don't have real blood or tears. You're pretty sure breathing is something that you don't need to do either. You like to think of yourself as being alive, but you share nothing in common with an actual living being. You don't even age. The purpose of your life remains a mystery, everything about you seems pointless. But, you figure seeing Dave smile once or twice before he realizes it's you and not John is worth it. You can make him happy, you can make his heart less heavy, that alone is enough to make your odd, non-human eyes open every morning. To know that your presence might make your friend all you need. 

But one day, that changes. Your life finally begins to have its own meaning. 

\---

"Goddamn it Strider! Open the fucking door!" There was a loud banging coming from the front door. John was seated on the couch but his head whipped around at the noise. "It's not like I'm here because I care or anything. You haven't been talking to any of us, and some of your friends are getting worried. They sent me to make sure you hadn't died." There was a silence as both the yelling and pounding ceased. John looked around for Dave; he wasn't anywhere to be seen. "Dave if you don't open this damn door I'm going to break it down!" However the door wasn't locked, all the troll on the other side had to do was turn the knob. Which he did check and figure out on his own. "Dave, I'm coming it!" He called loudly and turned the handle.

Just then Dave emerged from the basement. "Fucking hell Karkat don't you take one step into my house!"

"I'll do whatever the hell I want Strider," he burst in snarling, "you have worried your friends to death! Are you happy you asshole?"

"Hi Karkat!" 

The troll froze. His ears went back and his eyes grew wide. Slowly he turned in the direction of John. "J-John? John is that you? Holy fuck." 

Before he could say anything else the boy was gone. "Karkat forget you saw anything. Turn around and go back. I'm fine." 

"Go back?" Suddenly Dave had a pissed off troll on him. "Go back? You want me to leave after seeing that? After hearing him? No way in hell." He snarled and pinned Dave against the wall. "You're going to tell me exactly why John Egbert was on your couch." He pressed a little harder against Dave, "and if you don't, I'm going to rip your throat out." 

"Chill out Vantas." Dave said coolly, staring into angry crimson eyes. He had forgotten how strong trolls were, and how strongly Karkat had felt about John. "Put me down and we'll talk about this." The troll growled showing all his teeth. He said something in his native language that made Dave's skin crawl just hearing it. "Yeah, yeah you're a big tough guy alien, I get it. Stop hissing at me like an overgrown cat and set me down." 

Karkat snarled and was so close to snapping. But he didn't, he put Dave down and demanded, "What was that?"

"First off it wasn't John."

"Bullshi-"

"Vantas! Shut up! It wasn't John. It was this." He pulled out John's Captchalogue Card. Dave watched the troll's eyes go wide. "It was a simple reconstruction of data preserved in this card. What you saw wasn't John, merely a projection of him."

"A...copy?" He backed up stunned. "But...but he said my name, he knew who I was."

"It has some memories that John had. Which makes sense; I used multiple parts of John's timeline in creating it. But it's not the John we know. So you can stop growling now." 

Karkat stared in disbelief at Dave. "I can't believe you made a copy of John. Were you that desperate?"

"Yes. Yes I was, but it's none of your goddamn business so you can go home now. You can tell everyone I'm fine, just leave me the hell alone." 

The troll stood firm. "Can I talk to him?"

"It won't do you much good. It's not John." He saw the look in Karkat's eyes, he wasn't going anywhere. "Fine, whatever, talk to it. Don't come crying to me when you're disappointed." He led Karkat to his guest bedroom, John's bedroom. "I'll leave you two alone, if you need me I'll be in the living room trying to forget you exist." 

Before Karkat could even blink John appeared in front of him in a flash of light. The boy turned around and gave the troll a smile, "Hi, Karkat-" Karkat rushed John and pulled him into a tight hug.

"I missed you so much," he whispered to John, he wasn't sure if his voice could even go above the soft murmur it was at.

John replied back allowing the troll to hold his face close to his chest, "I missed you too, Karkat."

Karkat's voice caught in his throat, so instead he just hugged John tighter. The boy he had in his arms looked about thirteen, around the age he would have been when he played the game that took his life. He breathed in, his nose picking up scents he hadn't smelled in years; ones he thought were lost forever. "You have no idea how much this means to me." He said quietly, "It's like you're back."

John leaned on Karkat, letting his weight fall on the stronger troll. He could hear Karkat crying quietly. His reaction was so different from Dave's. "Karkat..." Memories flooded his brain, all of them about the quivering troll who held his body so tight. "Karkat..." Eventually Karkat pulled away and stared down at John, the human looked back up at him, Karkat noticed the green ring around John's irises and his breath involuntarily caught a bit. 

Egbert looked away ashamed, "S-Sorry, they've been like that since...you know, Dave..." he whispered, "made me." That idea still seemed so crazy and foreign to him. "I know they're not quite what you remember."

The troll put a careful hand his face, "It's fine, John." He rested his forehead on John's, "There's nothing wrong with your eyes." He watched the boy smile and couldn't stop himself from smiling back. This was John, this was the dorky, adorable, kid from his memories, and he was back and standing right in front of him. 

"I'm glad you're here Karkat. It's been, rather lonely with just Dave." John could hear the troll start to make a rumbling sound deep in his chest. "Heh, heh."

He smirked, "Well, as you can tell, I'm rather glad you're here as well." 

"It's like we never parted," You say slowly, "for me, it's like I went on a vacation or something, and now I'm home. But..." His smile faded. "Home has significantly less friends than it used to." 

Karkat had John sit next to him on the bed, "How much do you remember?"

"I...I remember meeting you. I know you're a really good friend; we'd do anything for each other. I remember that we came up with a plan to beat Lord English. That's about it. It just, abruptly ends." He flopped backwards. "And my memories aren't perfect either. I have rather large holes in my childhood. Stuff I shouldn't forget, birthdays, classmates, sometimes my dad's face. It sucks." Karkat fell beside him. "I'm ok with it I guess. It just makes me feel hollow inside. I already get told enough from Dave that I'm not John, and I'll never be John, and now my own brain is doing it too." He sighed and rolled over turning his back to Karkat. "Sorry, that was depressing."

"John?" He sat up and watched the boy beside him carefully. 

"You don't have to call me that."

Karkat placed a hand on John's shoulder and rolled him back over. He gave a small warning growl. "You are John Egbert. Dave can suck my bulge." He stared down into John's eyes, so different, yet still the same. He bent down and nuzzled his neck very gently, "You know my name, you remember when we met, and you're still John. You'll always be my friend."

John couldn't stop himself from giggling, "I forgot how affectionate trolls were." He reached up and ran a hand through Karkat's hair, his fingers running over a nubby horn. "Karkat, thank you. You have no idea how confusing this is for me." 

"I can't even begin to imagine." He let John sit up and they scooted so their backs were against the wall. "So, can I ask what it's like?"

"Being data?" John laughed harshly, "Sure, there's not much to say. After the initial shock wore off, I honestly can't tell the difference between my life now and before I died. I have most of John's feelings and emotions, to me, I'm him. But to Dave, and probably to the rest of the world, I'm a cheap imitation. I don't need to eat, or drink, or use the bathroom. Breathing feels natural, but I don't think I need to do that either, or sleep. I can be stored in a Captchalogue Card. The only thing that makes me feel alive is the fact that I have a heartbeat." 

John felt Karkat's hand on his chest. "Heh, look at that, you do. A heartbeat is all I need."

"God, you're such a good friend." He put his hand over Karkat's and squeezed. "Y-You'll visit again, right? This won't be the last time I'll see you is it?" 

"Of course not, I'll come back as much as I can. I promise."

"Thank you Karkat." His eyes shifted to the door, "Dave's here."

The doorknob turned and Dave stepped inside. "Ok, I think that's enough." Karkat hugged John one more time before reluctantly getting up and shuffling past Dave.

"I'll be back."

"I'd be surprised if you didn't."

The troll paused long enough to shoot a glare at the Strider. Then he was gone, leaving John and Dave alone in the room. "Thank you for letting me see him." John spoke up. 

"It would have been a hassle to deny him. He's a pain in the ass that way." Dave watched John nod and stand quietly walking from the room. "You know it has to be like this. You know you have to stay a secret."

John turned sadly around, "Yeah, I know." He threw on a well-rehearsed smile and replied, "I'm ok with that too. I have you, and I have Karkat. My two best bros, who could ask for more?" 

Dave watched him leave he clenched his fist in anger and frustration. "Fuck."

The days drifted by, there was no sign of Karkat. The boy would sit in the living room, eyes trained on the door, waiting to hear the troll. But soon John began to give up hope; he began to believe that maybe Dave was right, that he was nothing but a string of code; and that no person in their right mind would befriend a line of coding housed in a card. "I told you I was right." Dave said one night, after observing John wait by the door for another day in a row. "While I had high hopes for Vantas, I knew he'd see you for what you are. After his mind cleared he probably came to his senses."

"No." He mutters. "No that's not true. Karkat cares!" John turned to face Dave. "Just like I know you care! Dave, you do." Curling into himself he repeated, "You care, you have to."

"I don't have to anything." He stood and rested a hand on John's head. "Just give up on him. The faster you accept the facts the easier it will be."

"Then why not just lock me in that card forever then? Why even bother torturing me like this?" John lifted his head and stared at Dave. "What's the point? If you truly don't care for me, then it means I have no friends, no family, no life." His knees met his face again. "Just do it! Lock me away, please!"

Dave looked at the boy on his couch, the pitiful thing that was crying dry tears and finally raised the card. "Fine." And with that John was nothing more than a memory again. One Dave tried to forget, he always knew it was wrong. He had always known that this John would unavoidably end up back where he came from. Dave tried not thinking about it, he placed the card in a file cabinet, just like he had originally planned. But just like he had also predicted, once he was used to having it around, it was hard to go without. Nights became terrible, sleeping impossible. There was nowhere to run from the nightmares. 

He ended up grabbing the card once more. There was a period of prolonged silence as Dave stared into the card, at the stupid smiling face on the front, and the multicolored coding on the back. Then he climbed the stairs to his room. "John," He said releasing the boy once more. 

"Dave? What? I don't understand..." 

"Just climb in the bed." 

John nodded and didn't argue. Soft covers greeted his face and Dave moved right beside him, wrapping his arms around him tightly. The boy realized that the only thing he was good for was providing relief from Dave's nightmares. Once again, he decided that it wasn't all bad. He'd spend his days in a coma within the card, and the nights were passed watching the moon cross the sky through Dave's window. 

Dave awoke to sudden loud pounding on his door. "What the hell?" he grabbed for his shades and pulled the covers off. 

A strong voice emanated from the entryway. "You grubfucking, nooksniffing, bulgelicking, asshole! You better open this door right now or I swear I will break it down and shove the splinters up your ass!"

There was a groggy voice that sounded beside Dave, "K-Karkat?" Before John was even fully awake Dave locked him away in the card. 

"I do not want to deal with this bullshit." He found pants and a suitable shirt and confronted the angry troll at the door. "Shut the hell up Vantas, your screeching is going to wake up the neighbors."

"What neighbors you dick? You live in the middle of fucking nowhere!" Karkat waited impatiently outside. "Just open the damn door already."

On the other side Dave took his time. He spoke a bit smugly. "About time you showed up. You know he gave up hope on you."

"Why would he do that?" Karkat asked, a bit shocked.

"Obviously because no one could befriend a projection of data. He's convinced you forgot about him."

Karkat growled loudly from the other side of the door. "I would never forget about John. I could never leave him alone, ever."

"Then explain why it took you two months to come back?"

"My fucking life! Heaven forbid I actual do something with myself. I can't afford to sit on my ass all day in grief like you can. Some people have school and work and duties to attend to. I meant to come sooner, I really did. So open the damn door." 

Dave sighed and unlatched the locks and let the troll in.

"Where is he?" he growled.

Dave pulled the card out. "Knock yourself out." 

Karkat snatched the card releasing John without a moment's hesitation. John looked around dazed and confused before the troll grabbed his arm and dragged him into the spare room. Once alone John started to come around. "K-K-Karkat? I thought...no way. I thought..."

"I know." Karkat hugged him again, "I'm sorry, suddenly I became busy, it was out of my control."

"I thought you didn't want to see me again." John pushed Karkat away, "I thought you forgot about me! I thought you lied to me!" He said angrily. "I thought you didn't care!"

Karkat wrapped his arms around John again, ignoring the struggling, punching, kicking boy. "I promised. I promised I'd come back." John froze, "I wouldn't lie John, you're my friend, and I would never abandon you." He gripped him harder, "It was a horrible thing, what I did to you. It won't happen again. Even if I have to personally tell my boss to fuck off." Karkat let John go slowly, "Do you forgive me?"

He was still mad, but he saw the troll's expression, a mix of worry, sadness, he looked just himself. "Of course Karkat, just don't scare me like that again."

Relief flooded through Karkat, "Thank god, I thought I ruined this forever." He laughed a bit and collapsed on the bed. "I seriously thought that this would be the end to our friendship."

"Well I'm glad it's not." John sat next to his friend. The troll had shut his eyes and let out a weary sigh. "Are you seriously going to sleep? It's like nine in the morning."

"Shut up, I didn't sleep last night. Just, tell me what you've been up to."

So John did, he explained everything that happened. Granted, not much was left to tell, he'd been unconscious for most of it. He unloaded his feelings onto Karkat, grateful to finally have someone care enough to listen. Karkat was so different from Dave. The troll saw him as a person, as something with a mind and life of its own. It was so refreshing. Eventually Karkat did fall asleep. He sat with his knees pulled up to his chest and gently stroked Karkat's hair. 

He could remember everything about Karkat. He was the only person that had absolutely no holes or gaps. John could recall every pesterlog, every conversation, and all their time together. He could also remember Karkat's feelings. He smiled at the boy curled up on his bed. Karkat said he loved him. He confessed a few days before the void in his memories began. Unfortunately, he knew John had rejected him. But looking back he began to have his own thoughts and feelings on the issue. 

But...there was something in him that feared Karkat as well. 'What if I grow close to you, and you reject me?' He traced the round colored parts of his small horn. 'I guess I'd feel just like you did.' He realized that, given the time, he could probably love Karkat, but would Karkat still love him? It was a question the boy was too frightened of to ask the answer for. 

John didn't know if he was he was falling for the troll, he just knew that Karkat was nice, and cared about him. He sat and watched him sleep; quietly humming a tune he had forgotten. It was sad and sweet and flowed from his lips almost as easily as speaking. It must have been important to him. It took all his will not to break down again; he promised himself he was done doing that. His situation couldn't be changed; the only thing it would accomplish is making him depressed. In fact, he shouldn't be depressed; he has someone now, someone who wouldn't leave him.

He smiled, 'someone who sees me. I think I'm ok with that.' The boy waited until the troll shifted and opened his crimson eyes, 'were they always red?' he couldn't remember. Karkat yawned and sat up. "Hi Karkat, have a nice nap?" He laughed and smiled at the other.

"Y-Yeah, actually. It was very peaceful. I completely forgot I wasn't in sopor, I'm glad I didn't do anything weird." He paused, "Sorry I fell asleep, I know you were talking."

"You didn't miss anything, it's ok." 

"That's good, I thought you'd be a little mad or something," a small smile formed on his lips, "guess that was a dumb idea." 

"As long as you don't forget me, I doubt I could be mad at you."

"And I doubt I could ever forget you." 

John hugged him again, smiling, because he knew that was true. 

From that day on John gained another constant in his life. It came in the form of an angry grey skinned troll that would appear at the door at least three times a week. Things were gradually getting better, even Dave was getting better. There were some moments, just like before where he'd be put in the Captchalogue Card but they were becoming less frequent. 

There was something weighing on John's mind though. It was something that had bugging him for days. "Hey Dave" John started asking one morning. 

"What? What could you possibly want immediately after waking up?"

"I...I've been have these really weird dreams, and I thought-"

Dave interrupted him, "You're data, you can't dream."

"But I've-"

"You don't have dreams. It's that simple." He got up and stretched. "I need you to come down to the lab with me today."

"What? Really?" John asked a bit in disbelief. "You never want me down there." Dave just motioned for him to follow. Once in the basement John was instructed to sit at a table and wait. "What are you doing?"

"Just, sit there." He sighed, unable to keep anything from John. "Ok, I'm tweaking the coding on the back of your card." John's eyes widened in fear. "Don't worry, you'll be ok. In fact you can come over and see what I'm doing." He heard the boy slip out of the chair and follow. "Here, all these letters and numbers are you. This is everything you are, it's very complex, in fact, it's the most complex set of coding I've ever seen for a Captchalogue Card item. I've been going through all this trying to make sense of it, and I've figured some things out."

"What kind of things?" His voice still showed hints of nervousness. He fidgeted and looked at Dave. 

"Your age for starters. I think I can gradually age you up, that way you at least match most of your memories." His fingers moved across the keyboard rapidly, "I'm pretty sure I can change a lot things, but I don't want to mess up, so for now we'll just do your age."

"H-How much will I change?" The idea of suddenly growing a foot was a bit overwhelming. 

"I'm only going to try two years. I'm hoping it's not too much of a jump." Dave turned away from the computer long enough to toss a new set of clothes to John. "You'll probably grow out of what you're wearing. I'm almost done with the adjustments, we can start soon."

John nodded and gulped his throat already dry. The clothes were loose, and he was quivering, fear was an understatement. "Dave are you sure we need to do this? I mean, I can just stay thirteen forever..." 

"No, it's weird enough not having to feed you, and besides, if someone did find out about you they would find it extremely odd that you do not age. We don't need more questions than necessary." John nodded again and closed his eyes when Dave said the changes were made. Dave slid John's card back into the machine and hovered his finger over the enter key. "On the count of three," Even Dave was unsure whether or not the idea would work. He hoped it would, he didn't want to deform him or anything. "Three,"

John's mind was racing, 'Oh god, what if this doesn't work and I get hurt?'

"Two,"

'Or I end up horribly mutated..or worse deleted...'

"One!"

.

'I hope Karkat would be ok,'

Dave pressed the key and watched as light enveloped John, when Dave looked back he noticed the boy was no longer standing in the room with him. "Fuck, shit!" he whirled around to the computer and looked over his work. "No this isn't right, he shouldn't have disappeared. It wasn't supposed to work like that!" His hands sped across the keyboard, eyes trained on the screen, looking for any mistakes. He found none. "This doesn't make any fucking sense." He pulled the card from the slot and looked at it, "Sorry John, I guess I fucked up." That's when his eyes caught something, the card itself. The picture on the front was different. "I didn't fuck up!" He immediately released John, much to his relief the boy appeared like normal in front of him. "That you in there?"

"Dave? Did it work?"

The other boy smirked, "go see for yourself."

John bolted to the nearest mirror, "Whoa, Dave, shit, it did!" His eyes still had the neon green in them, but he had figured that wouldn't go away. He was taller, and more filled out. He face looked more mature too, even though he was still obviously a kid. "I feel great, Dave it worked." His voice was a bit deeper too, "Heh, I even sound different!" 

There was pounding from upstairs, "Great, now go answer the door before that crazy troll does break my door down."

John nodded and ran eagerly up the stairs to greet his friend. "Wait, wait, wait, I forgot something!" He came running back down the stairs and hugged Dave, "thanks!" he spun around and went to meet Karkat.

Once again Karkat was waiting outside. He wasn't used to waiting anymore. Usually John answered the door immediately and tackled him. The derp was nowhere to be found. He knocked again, this time a little harder. "Hey, guys are you in there?" The troll had a hard time believing that Dave took John anywhere, given how paranoid he was about him. "John! Dave! Anyone?!"

Suddenly the burst open like normal and a very overly excited John greeted him. "Hi Karkat!"

The troll looked him over, "John?"

"Heh heh, isn't this neat? Dave was able to age me up a bit!" He pulled his friend inside. "It's so cool! I was really scared at first, but then he did it anyways, and it all worked out, and now I'll be able to match you in age soon! And isn't this just the coolest fucking thing?" He giggled and bounced from foot to foot. 

Karkat smirked and ruffled his hair, "That's great John." The boy was now almost as tall as he was, it wouldn't be long before he would be taller. "How'd he do it?"

"I edited the coding that makes him up. It was difficult as hell, but worked." Dave said leaning on the doorway to the basement. 

John dragged Karkat into his room again. "I'm so excited, this is pretty cool. I was worried I'd be thirteen forever. Although, I was super worried when Dave said he had to change my coding, I mean, what if something had gone wrong?"

The troll hugged him and sat down, "Well, nothing did happen, so just be thankful for that." He looked away and added, "Sometimes, it's, difficult to remember you're data."

John moved next to him and leaned on the troll. "I know," he said softly. "I forget a lot too. But there's always something small that reminds me." That's when he remembered what he was talking with Dave about. "Oh gosh! Karkat!" He sat up and turned eagerly to his friend. "I wanted to tell you something."

"Go on," he raised an eyebrow. 

"I've been dreaming lately." 

"Dreaming?"

"Yeah, really vivid dreams. Dave says I can't dream, but he doesn't know anything." He crossed his arms pouting and looked at Karkat again. "Anyways, I've had dreams about the game. I think they might be memories, actually." The troll's ears perked up, "I've been getting images of the others, and bits and pieces of conversations." John smiled wide, "I think I'm becoming more like the John you knew!" 

Karkat embraced his friend again, "That's great news! John, I'm happy for you!"

"I hope I get my childhood ones back soon too. There have been things that have been bugging me for weeks." He pulled away from Karkat, "Hey, can I ask you something?"

"Sure what is it?" He noted the shift in tone in John's voice. It became serious and solemn. 

"How did I die?"

Karkat wasn't expecting that question, he shifted uncomfortably, his eyes looking anywhere but at John. "It doesn't matter, you're here now."

"I need to know." John placed a hand on Karkat's shoulder squeezing gently. "Please, tell me what happened."

A long breath escaped the troll as he debated answering. "A-As you can probably guess, it was Lord English, during the final battle. You were godtier, so your death shouldn't have been permanent. Only, it was considered heroic."

"What happened?" He pressed the troll for more info.

"I'm so sorry," Karkat turned to face John, red tears streaming down his face, "it was all my fault."

John wrapped his hands around Karkat's waist and pressed his head against the trolls back, "Shhh, it's ok, Karkat." He asked softly, "can you tell me what happened? You don't have to if it's too much."

"You saved me...I messed up. I fucked up, and you paid for it. I'm so sorry." Karkat cursed himself and put his head in his hands. "If I hadn't have tripped, none of this would have happened. I wouldn't have had to see your body, mangled and broken. No one would have."

Something seemed to shock John, the feeling moving to the very core of what he was. Sudden images began to flash before his eyes. He saw Lord English, the fight, his friends. He was coated in blood, some his, some other colors of the rainbow. Arms gripped Karkat tighter as the memories exploded in his brain. Voices joined the images, his friends shouting in battle, the sound of Karkat screaming when he fell. He heard the last thing Karkat ever said to him, "I'm so sorry, I'm sorry. I love you John, and it's because of me you're dying. I love you" Then everything went blank. The last bit he caught was the combined voices of Karkat and Dave screaming his name, the last vision was tears.

"John! John, are you ok?" Karkat could feel the boy behind him start to tremble and cry. His tears rolled down his cheek and disappeared into pixels. "John, say something." He tried to move so he could see him, but the boy wouldn't let go. "John?" 

He couldn't stop himself from shaking, or crying. Karkat's voice barley registered to his brain. He pressed his face deeper into Karkat's back, clinging to him until the memories ceased and the voices were silent. "J-Just now. Just now I remembered. Karkat, I remembered. Everything about my death."

He released his death grip on Karkat so the troll could face him. "I remember." Karkat put a hand on John's cheek. "Y-You told me you loved me, I remember. You confessed twice." Karkat nodded. "Also" his voice caught, "It wasn't your fault Karkat!" He pulled the troll close and repeated, "It wasn't your fault!" Karkat was now shaking too, "It wasn't, don't blame yourself, because I don't. I never did."

"After we beat him, Lord E, when that was done, there was a lot of crying. Especially Dave and I. Did you know-"

"Yeah. Well, I didn't before, but I know now."

"He blamed me. I bet he still does too." Karkat rested his forehead on John's. "We all missed you, even the trolls that didn't know you very well. We actually let the people of Prospit bury you. It was some game tradition; I was ready to stay behind, to watch over your grave. I would have too, but the others, they convinced me to come with."

"I'm glad you didn't stay there. It would have been very lonely." 

"I'm glad I didn't stay too." Karkat fell to the side, bringing John with him. "So, you said you remembered everything all once?" The troll wiped the few remaining tears from his face.

"Yeah, it was immediately after you explained."

Karkat said thoughtfully, "Maybe certain things can trigger your memories?"

"That's what I was thinking." He laughed, "This has been quite a day. And it's only been an hour." Karkat's laugh joined his. "Let's try to limit the emotional breakdowns, ok?"

"I can agree to that." Karkat stared at John, the neon in his eyes not even registering as different anymore, "It's just like you're back."

"I know. It's crazy." John closed his eyes and thought about everything that has happened to him, and to his friends. "It's like our lives were never meant to be anything near normal." He laughed a bit, "I've been ecto slime, a paradox sibling, a regular kid just growing up, and I've been a god. Karkat, I've been a god, that is so weird, and now...I'm just a line of code. If someone were to write a book on my life I wonder how many people would believe it?"

"I don't know. I'm not even sure I'd believe it if you weren't right in front of me. It's a lot to try to take in."

John rolled over causing Karkat to immediately wrap his arms around him. The trolls head rested on top of John's. "Karkat?"

"Yeah?"

"You said you loved me." John asked softly, "Do you still love me?"

"Yeah." There was no hesitation in his voice.

John asked again, "I mean, do you love him, or me?"

Karkat took a few breaths. "Look, John,"

"No, it's ok, I understand," A few shallow laughs later he continued, "I'm not him, nor will I ever be. You loved that John, I understand."

"You're right." He said simply, "I do love that John." He could feel John's hands gripping his shirt tight, "But, I also think I love you." John's breath caught. He didn't respond for a few minutes. Karkat pet his hair softly. "John?" Karkat was a bit hesitant to look at the boy's face. "I-I know you're not a homosexual, you said so yourself, twice actually. But you did ask, I don't want to lie to you."

"Karkatyou're actually be serious right now, aren't you?" He nodded. "But, I'm not real..."

"I can touch you, feel you breathe, and see you. What more do I need?" 

John curled into Karkat, "I wasn't expecting that answer." He paused, clinging to the troll, "I need to think about it, my feelings. It's so confusing." He felt Karkat rub his back gently. "I want to thank you though, for considering me as something worth your affection."

"Of course you're worth it, don't think like that."

"Sorry, I'm still trying to sort out what makes me, me."

Karkat pulled John's eyes to meet his. "Have you ever considered the idea that you are you? That there is no difference?"

John shook his head, "No, impossible, there has to be a difference." 

"You'll figure it out, I know you will."

"Thank you, Karkat." 

They stayed like that for a while before Karkat broke the silence. "This is just a heads up, but I won't be able to see you for a while. Things are getting crazy at school. It might be a few weeks. I'm sorry."

"That's ok, really. You come visit so much."

"I just didn't want you to think I left you, like before."

John nodded. "I know now you wouldn't do that. But thanks for telling me."

\---

Your name is John Egbert, sorta. You're still so unsure about that. You have most of his memories, and you know all his emotions. But you are growing as an individual; everything becomes a question in your head. "Would John do that? Would John say this? Does John like this?" Sometimes the answers are obvious, other times not so much. 

You can remember almost everything, unfortunately you can also replay those parts, you know how John felt, but looking back, you catch things the John before you failed to notice. He missed many hidden emotions, especially those of your close friends. Like Dave. Like Karkat. Now you were stuck trying to make sense of it all. 

Everything you remember just swirled around in your head for days, and without Karkat to talk to your thoughts took over. You couldn't decide where "John" ended and you began. You suddenly realize how Karkat must have felt arguing with his past and future selves. This shit was getting old, and fast. Being true to your old emotions was hard; the events you remembered were seen differently. It was like watching a movie, those feelings, you re-thought. Maybe you were wrong about so much?

It also didn't help that the only two people who knew of your existence both said they loved you. Talk about skewing your emotions. Of course you feel more inclined to be in a relationship with one of the only people who cared for you, because they were only ones who could actually see you. Past you was a fool, past you couldn't see that your two best bros wanted to care for you, forever. Both of them opened up to you, one straightforward the other subtly. What were you supposed to do? What would John Egbert do? 

You just didn't have the answer.

Your name is John Egbert, or Jay, as Dave has been calling you. He performed another aging on you, now you look around eighteen. You're pretty much done with puberty, thankfully skipping all the awkward parts. Dave has been acting weird. He avoids you a lot, and doesn't call you John anymore. You're worried about your friend, and you tell him this daily. Mostly he responds by tossing you into your card. 

Your dreams are more vivid now, the memories more precise. Everything is coming back to you, bit by tiny bit. There are nights you shoot straight out of bed in a cold sweat. You'd relive a battle, or a close call. It's amazing what a month can do. 

Eventually, Dave breaks down.

You're there when it happens, of course, where else would you go? He walks in from shopping and just drops by the front door. Tears flow from underneath the shades he has on. The groceries crash to the ground, various fruits roll away. "Dave? Dave!" You run to his side and kneel down. "Holy shit, are you ok dude? Are you injured?"

He tries to bat you away, but there's no way in hell you're moving. "Jay leave. Just leave."

"How about no?" Gently you urge him up and walk him to the couch, stepping over canned food and microwave dinners. Suddenly Dave seems very fragile. Like one touch will shatter him and leave him in a million pieces. "Dave what's wrong?"

"Everything, everything is wrong." Dave said quietly. "Everything is fucked up and nothing is right anymore." You rub his back, like Karkat has done for you so many times. He attempts to wipe the tears away, but more form and roll down his face. "I'm sorry Jay; I shouldn't be acting like this."

"Dave, listen to me," You force him to look at you, "Everyone has their moments of weakness, everyone needs to cry."

"I'm too strong to cry."

"No one is too strong to cry." Carefully you lift his shades from his face, revealing his scarlet eyes now overflowing with tears. He presses his face into your shoulder and cries. You're not sure why your best bro is soaking your shirt with his tears; he has to say something that would even give you a hint. But you know he needs you.

"Jay?" He says softly.

"Yeah, Dave?" You've been stroking his hair for a while; you're not entirely sure how much time has passed. 

"I need to apologize." You nod and let him continue. "I haven't been fair to you. You deserve better than this, better than me."

"No, Dave, you've been great."

He laughed harshly, "No I haven't. I've treated you like a thing and not a person."

"I am a thing."

He sobbed again. "No, no you're not!" He gripped your shirt and hid his face. "I've seen you with him. With Vantas. The two of you talk for hours. He doesn't see the difference between you and John Egbert. He treats you like he did the other John." He paused, remembering to breathe, "and you, you respond to what he says, you have emotions. I thought you were a projection, I thought you were just data. You're not. You're more than that."

"I...Dave" You're at a loss for words. "Thank you."

"When you're with Vantas you look exactly like you did before you died. But, when you're with me, you just look sad."

"I, shit. Dave, I thought you didn't like me around. I was certain you were disgusted by my presence. I just tried not to bother you." You allow him to pull away and lean against the couch. "I'm sorry too."

"See, you don't have to be though, it's because of all the stuff I said..."

You cut in, "but none of it was false. I am nothing but data, I don't need food or water, Dave, you weren't lying. You just saw me differently was all. You did make me, you know more about what I actually am then anyone. Karkat, he sees, well he sees the John he knew. And well, yeah, I like that. A lot of me likes that. But I'm not John, not all the way. I have his emotions, as well as my own. So you weren't doing wrong."

"Jo-Jay, all that isn't true though. I saw you as something merely imitating emotion, not feeling it. But, you feel it don't you?" You nod. "And then there were all those nights where I forced you to listen to me talk. Where I confessed over and over again, yet I told you to ignore it all. You didn't did you?" You shake your head. "It hurt, it must have hurt. Being told over and over again that someone loves you, but that they don't love you. But you are John. You are him."

You smile, "Yeah, pretty much. I mean, I may act a bit different, because none of us have any idea how John would have behaved, but I like to think of myself as an alternate version of him. I'm John, but I'm also me. Does that make sense?"

"Perfect." He wiped the last tear from his face. "I was just thinking, as I walked home, I was thinking about you. I went over all your behaviors, everything you've done since I first released you from the Captchalogue Card so many months ago. I realized that I've been a stupid fool, and that I've hurt you. And the last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt my best bro. Especially," he whispered the next part, "when you still love him."

"Dave..."

"I know you don't feel the same, so don't feel bad. I'm just, I'm tired of lying to myself, and I'm tired of lying to you." He looked up, "So, do you forgive me?"

You smile wide, "Yeah of course, how could I not? You've always been the difficult one." He laughs and you do too. You begin to feel that maybe things will get better now. Things will definitely get better. "You know, I always believe you'd come around. Because, you're Dave Strider. You're the coolest friend I've ever had. Because you're my friend, my best bro. I knew you see that. I just had to wait." 

"You remember everything about me, right?"

"Every pesterlog. I never did get a chance to thank you for the bunny." You leaned over and hugged your friend, "Thanks for the bunny Dave; it was the best birthday present I've ever got." 

His eyes watered again and he cried on your shoulder. He said your name over and over again. Your name, not his nickname for you. "I don't deserve such nice friends."

"Yes you do."

He pulled away and looked at you again, "I wish I could take the green out of your eyes."

"It's ok, I kinda like it now. It makes me special."

It was then he pressed his lips to yours. "Dave?"

"John, I still love you. Not just my memories, but you. How you can still keep your head up after all this. You're strong, you're a hero." You smiled and he kissed you again, "and you still have that adorable grin." 

"Dave I don't know what to say..."

"Then don't say anything." He kissed you again, only this time you returned it. "You're something special Egbert, don't ever forget that."

You grabbed his hand and squeezed it. "I...Dave I Can you can understand if I'm confused. I just...I don't know what I want."

He looked away, "I know. I'm done forcing things on you. I'm done making you feel like shit. Can we go back to how we used to be? When we were just best friends? Before any stupid games, before the life and death choices, before the desperation that lead to your creation. Could we do that?"

"Of course. You have no idea how much I missed those times."

The next few days were amazing. Finally something felt right, everything felt like it was back to normal. Of course, you still had to keep yourself a secret, but now you had your friend back. Soon Karkat would be able to visit, he called the other day. Hearing his voice was comforting; he said he'd back in two days. 

Dave pulled out his turntables, something he told you he hadn't played since the game. The house was filled with the pulsating beats of his music. Dave smiled more, he was becoming more than a blank face and reflective glasses, he was becoming a person again. You watched his hands slide across the records and your heart beat in synch with the bass. He was an amazing person, so bright, so serious, and he truly cared about his friends. Even when he made mistakes, and seemed lost, he ended up coming back. 

To you, Dave Strider is more of a hero then you ever were.

\---

The next time Karkat saw John he was older again. "Hey John, how have you been?" He asked as soon as the door opened.

"Oh gosh! Karkat I've been great!" He hugged the troll close and buried his face in his neck. "I missed you so much!"

"I missed you too." Karkat let himself be lead inside, but, this time instead of going straight for his room the boy plopped down on the couch. 

"So much has happened, you have no idea." John gave him a mild rundown on the events. The boy left out more personal parts, but told most of the story. "So basically, everything feels great. Like it's supposed to." John tossed a controller to Karkat. "Wanna play videogames? Dave got some news ones." 

Soon the room was filled with the laughter and shouting of two teenagers playing a first person shooter. Dave watched from the doorway, he saw how John would lean on Karkat, and how the troll would look away from the screen long enough to glance at John fondly. Dave sat on the edge of the couch, "I play whichever one of you losers' wins." 

"Fine with me." John agrees, "But you know, I've gotten pretty good!"

"Bullshit." 

That week was a week of firsts for that house. It was the first time it heard music, and the first time it held friendship.

"So, Dave, can I ask, how exactly did you make John?" Karkat was genuinely curious.

"There is a lot about Ja-John that is different."

"Heh heh, Dave you can call me Jay if you want, you have gotten rather attached to the name." 

"If you want, I can explain some of it to you Vantas. Follow me; it might be beneficial to you in the end." The two got up and followed Dave downstairs. "When we played the game I took note of all the different types of machines, and what each one did. Jay is a complex product..." He paused, "I'm sorry, Jay, I'm going to refer to you like a thing for a moment." 

"It's ok." 

"Now, I made him using both Captchalogue technologies as well ectobiology. I was able to pinpoint places on his timeline, and using all those different parts of John assemble him into something that could be replicated and stored on a Captchalogue Card. It took forever to get it right, and even then, I was unsure if he'd be able to talk, or walk, let alone remember."

"That's incredible" Karkat was amazed.

"Well, I was quite good at using the punch card system back in the Medium. I even made my own brain in a jar." He grabbed John's card from his deck. "Now, there are some other things that are different about John. Since he has no real physical body, everything is stored in this card. See, when I take a regular item and captchalouge it," he demonstrated on a pen, "the item appears on the card, as well as this code. When you release the item the card reverts to being blank. John's doesn't. Instead of using the punch system to make the item, or the card to store it, John's data was made on the card, and can't be deleted or punched." He moved to a computer, "However, the coding isn't set in stone, it can be altered, which is how I've been aging up John." He slid the card into the computer. "Now, this complex order of numbers and letters is basically everything that makes up John Egbert. If one section of this gets deleted, he 'dies' end of story. But there are parts that can be altered slightly. So far, John is the only item I've been able to do this with. He's the only object I've ever made that displays these properties. He took me years to make."

"This is all so fascinating." Karkat turned back to John. "Why does he have the neon green in his eyes?"

"That, I'm not sure about. I think it's a way to mark him as a product of a computer program. Like a brand, something to separate him from humans." He motioned at the lines of code. "I've been trying to find a way to delete it out of him, but unfortunately it's embedded deep in coding I can't alter without the risk of losing him."

"Dave I said it's ok, I don't mind anymore. It used to bother me, but it doesn't now. It's a part of who I am." He asked Karkat, "Do you mind?"

He shook his head, "No, I've gotten used to it."

"See? It's fine Dave. No need to stress yourself over it." 

"Dave, what else is different about John?"

The other boy simply answered, "Why don't you ask John? I'm sure he'd be willing to tell you."

John tugged at Karkat's arm, "I'll answer anything you want. If you'll excuse us, Dave."

"Thank you for sharing so much about John." 

Karkat was led back to John's room where he closed the door quietly. "What did you want to know?"

The troll stepped forward a bit and rested his hand on John's chest, "You have a heart beat, but...do you have blood?"

John laughed quietly, "Yes, and uh, no." He grabbed one of Karkat's claws, "Let me show you." Carefully he pulled the sharp tip over the back of his hand. Blood welled up and ran to the edge dripping off. But before the tiny droplets could hit the floor they too disappeared into pixels. Breaking apart and fading away into nothing. "My blood and my tears aren't real. They are imitations." He paused, "But that doesn't mean my feelings are too! Oh gosh, those are real..."

"I know." He put his hand over the wound. "You can't fake those."

"The cut will heal over in as little as a few minutes or up to an hour. It depends on the size. I feel pain too, but only for a second. Was there anything else?"

"Can you eat? I mean, I know you don't need to, but what happens if you do?"

John thought about that for a minute. "I-I'm not actually sure. I've never tried. I don't know if the organs I have work, or if they're even there" He shrugged, "I guess we could test them out, or ask Dave what he thinks."

Karkat sat down and motioned for John to follow, "No, it's ok, you don't have to." He fell back, "It is still weird you're back. I mean, now, with how you look, it really is like you never left."

"Trust me I know the feeling. But at the same time, I missed out on three years with you guys. Three years I could have been talking with you, hanging out with everyone, just...I missed a lot. And I can't get it back." He fell next to Karkat and curled up next to him. "And I can't just fall back into the old routine. I can't just see them again. It's not that simple anymore."

"Why not?" Karkat asked, "I've always wondered why you're stuck at Dave's house."

"It's because...well it's because I'd freak them out. I mean, you were freaked out when you first saw me, think of how badly they'd be weirded out. I don't want to cause them pain. I don't want them to be disappointed when they see me, and it's not, well, me. You know?" Karkat watched as John looked away sadly. "My moment of happiness isn't worth years of their sadness." 

"But they're your friends too. John you mean to tell me you plan on staying in Dave's house for the rest of your life?" Karkat wanted to do something for John, anything. "That's no way to live."

"I know."

"John!"

"Damn it Karkat I know!" He sat up suddenly and glared at the troll. "You don't have to tell me, just...leave me alone."

Karkat stood and put a hand on John's shoulder. "John"

"Shut up, please Karkat. This is hard enough as it is." The troll spotted the familiar glittering pixelated tears falling from John. 

"What if...what if you left for somewhere far from here. John you could come with me, I wouldn't mind moving, there's not much that ties me to this town, in fact, the only reason I'm here are my friends, and I can always troll them on the computer."

The boy turned around slowly, "Karkat, I can't." He pressed his head into Karkat's shoulder, "I can't just leave Dave. He's my friend and he's suffering too." 

"So you wouldn't run away with me?"

He smiled weakly and replied, "Heh, Karkat, of course I'd runway with you. I just have loyalties, like I know you do." 

"You're a fool John. You care so much."

"Yeah, I do." He turned around walked to the window, brushing open the curtains and squinting at the sunlight. "You know, I haven't even taken one step outside. Not for the whole time I've been brought back."

Karkat tugged on his arm, "Then why don't you? There's no harm in that, is there?" He followed Karkat and hesitated at the door. "Come one, it's a nice day out."

Warmth, that's what John felt as he stepped outside. It was bright and clean and warm, he couldn't get over it. The sun shown down on him, and gently heated his body while the small breeze played with his hair. John closed his eyes and looked up, feeling the rays on his skin. Karkat grinned when he opened his arms and stretched them towards the sky. The wind picked up, going from a soft breeze to a steady wind, it wound around him and lifted his feet. Then it gently placed him back down. Karkat walked over to him and softly said, "Looks like the wind remembers you."

"Yeah..." He could feel it twist and float around an outstretched arm. "I remember it too." He knelt down and ran his hand over the grass, feeling each tiny blade move across his palm. His ears could hear the birds and is nose could smell the earth, "Why haven't I done this earlier?"

A hand moved across John's hair ruffling it, "Because you're a nooklicking idiot." 

"Ah ha! I see, suddenly everything makes sense. Thank you for showing me the way." He said sarcastically standing up. Karkat laughed and shoved him a bit playfully. 

The troll leaned against the side of the house and watched John run around and finally enjoy himself. It was nice to see the boy smiling and laughing and chasing fucking butterflies. He heard the door open and Dave come out ready to yell. "Don't," Karkat stopped him. 

"He can't be seen idiot, what if someone walks by?" Dave was about to call out to John before Karkat spoke up again.

"Clam your human chest nubs; can't you see for once he's happy?" Karkat moved closer to Dave. "I can't believe you never let him outside. He's not a pet, or a doll."

"I know that," Dave growled. "He's never been a pet or a toy. I'm just concerned." 

"You don't have to be, you could always try letting him go." The shocked look on Dave's face couldn't be hidden behind shades. "He could stay with me Dave. I'll keep his secret." 

"I know you would." He said confidently, "but for how long could you hide before John surfaces?" Karkat didn't have an answer, they both watched the boy run around, occasionally his feet would leave the ground and he'd drift with the wind. "He's so obviously John you can't hide that."

"Heh, you're right about that. I'm sure he'd know better than to use wind powers randomly in town. With a bit of luck and a quick makeover I think I could hide him." Karkat said a bit quieter, "but, you have to release him."

"It's...it's not that simple Karkat." Dave said his tone full of remorse, "I'm not the only one holding him back, he holds himself back."

"God aint that the fucking truth." Karkat sighed. "The poor guy, I mean, none of this is his fault. He so ashamed of himself sometimes, it hurts."

"I'm aware of that." Dave looked on as John started walking towards them. "But there's nothing we can do to change it. Unfortunately, he'll have to figure it out for himself."

John came back, eyes shining, and his arms wrapped around Karkat and Dave holding them close. The two friends hugged back and walked John back inside.

Karkat would come over more frequently than before. Sometimes he'd even bring his schoolwork and finish it there. There wasn't a moment he didn't want to be with John. The troll noticed the same red feelings he had before seep up and work their way deep inside him. After months of being around John, he was pretty sure his instincts had already chosen him as a Matesprit. Normally, that would be good news for any troll, but this time, it was more like a dull throbbing pain in his chest.

He knew John wasn't interested in that, he knew the boy wouldn't see him that way. But instead of sulking about it Karkat decided to immerse himself into every aspect of the boy's life. He would work with Dave in the lab and learn everything he could about the technology that made John. He would spend hours sitting with the boy and listening to his dreams. There were times where he held the clues to the boys past, and he would remind him, sparking memories to flood his brain and then he'd gently hold John as he cried. 

John couldn't be happier. He had something that was missing for a long time. Stability. Karkat was a constant and Dave wasn't cold anymore. He loved listening to the music resonate throughout the house. It was a joy to hear him work and it never ceased to put a smile on his face. Sometimes he would walk up quietly behind Dave and hug him while he made music. His back felt so strong, he felt safe with him. 

He also felt safe around Karkat. John told the troll boy everything personal. He left nothing out. And surprisingly, Karkat listened and never complained. He would always show up with a smile on his face and stay for hours. There were nights when John didn't want him to leave, and there were nights where he didn't.

John would sit, petting the trolls head when he fell asleep on the bed. Usually John would wake him up, or Karkat would wake himself up, but tonight was different. Pain was absent from the troll's features, he told John that it was hard for him to sleep. He already knew about the sopor slime they slept in. He was also aware that it didn't always work on Karkat. Sometimes Karkat would snarl viciously in his sleep, his clawed hands would tear the blankets and his face would contort in pain. John asked him a few times why, and what he dreamed about. Karkat wouldn't always answer. He said the simplest he could explain was visions. Visions of a horrible and bloody past. 

It was a peaceful night, and John watched the troll sleep silently. His hand gently touching a small nubby horn. He still had a hard time believing that Karkat was all that different from him or Dave. But when he got closer to him and actually looked, he could start to see it. The way his bones were at harder angles, his eyes and teeth, the sounds he could make, both terrifying and adorable, and his ears that always betrayed his willpower and displayed his mood like a movie projector. 

Karkat rolled over and blinked a few times looking lazily up at John. "F-Fuck I fell asleep. Damn it, what time is it?"

"Time for you to spend the night." He grinned and left the room to inform Dave. When he came back the troll was curled under some of the blankets. "Karkat, are you really that tired?"

"You have no idea." He replied wearily. Karkat tensed when John slid in next to him and soft arms hugged him tight. 

"Then I'll have to sleep too, sound good?" 

Karkat couldn't disagree and let the boy press his face into his back and fall swiftly asleep. The troll stayed awake a while longer, watching snow fall silently down and cover the bare ground with white. 

\---

"Dave, do you believe me when I say I have dreams?" Strider looked over, caught off guard by the question. "Last time, you said it was impossible. Do you still believe that?"

"I don't know with you Jay," he replied, using the old nickname again, "You're nothing like anything I've ever encountered." 

"Because I do dream Dave. I dream a lot. And most of them are memories of the past. I see you."

He arched a blond eyebrow and waited for John to continue. "I see you and Rose and Jade, everyone. But your actions, they're always for us, to save us. Dave you even turned yourself into a sprite to save us. Thank you."

Dave looked away, "Look, Jay, it was nothing, ok? I was just being a friend." 

"And a hero."

"No. You were that."

John slumped forward, resting his chin on the table. "I think you sell yourself short Dave. You were really brave, and really caring. More than you realize." He paused and looked up into reflective shades. "Sometimes, it takes a fresh mind to review the past and see things once hidden."

"Wow, that's pretty deep for you Egderp."

John giggled, "Dave come on! I was being serious! Way to ruin the moment." Dave stood up and ruffled his hair. 

"And what else did you discover about the past? Any national treasures?"

John laughed again, "Daaaaave, stop it! Seriously though, I think about these things a lot. I can see how you felt."

"Jay, drop it." Dave said sternly. "We decided already, we're going to keep our friendship. Please don't complicate things with the past."

John nodded, agreeing sadly. 'How am I supposed to know if this would be right, if I'm not allowed to let it have a chance?' He turned back to Dave, "It doesn't change the fact that I have dreams, and I feel. That has to mean something. I mean, if I'm just data, can I have feelings of my own?"

"I wish I had the answers. Maybe you're becoming more than just data given physical form. Maybe you're more."

John thought about that long after Dave left the room. He drew a small knife and ran it across his hand, watching the blood pixilate and fade away. The cut healed itself instantaneously and the pain disappeared. He repeated the movement over and over again, watching as nothing remained to mark he was even there. 'Am I really more?' He couldn't help but wonder if Dave was just trying to make him feel better.

Karkat ended up staying more and more nights. Often times it would snow or become too cold to allow the troll to go home safely. He had to be reminded that Karkat was a tropical species not meant for this climate. The times they fooled around in the snow had to be cut short when the troll would shiver violently and his skin would turn ice cold. 

But then winter melted into spring and the outside began changing. The inside changed as well. John was becoming even more restless and the pent up energy couldn't be expelled by the short trips outside he enjoyed.

Dave could see it happening. He observed John while he would shoot small gusts of wind into the trees and levitate himself a few feet off the ground. He would watch as John would talk with Karkat and express desires he never even mentioned around himself. The former Knight of Time knew his time with John was growing shorter by the day. 

The day did come eventually. After waiting painfully for the moment, Dave suddenly felt relief. When Karkat proposed the option of John leaving Dave felt both happy and crushed. 

"It's up to him, really." Dave said even toned. "Jay, do you want to stay with me, or live with Karkat?"

John looked between his two friends. His two best friends. He was torn. Suddenly the safe constant that had been his life was thrown into chaos. This decision would change his life forever. 

"John, if you come with me, you'll live at my house and I'll disguise you so no one will recognize you. Eventually you'll attend school, and live a life of your own. If you stay with Dave, nothing will change, I'll still visit and you'll still be important to me."

Dave spoke up, "It's a big risk, and I'm not forcing either option on you. It's all your choice."

John looked down at his feet and closed his eyes. He tried to imagine a life with Karkat; it was everything he had dreamed about and more. He had to admit, he had grown really close to the troll. Unbelievably close. He had thoughts about him he never had for anyone else. The idea of spending forever with him was appealing. John was pretty sure Karkat felt the same way. His warm gaze was a constant and the slight smile a permanent fixture whenever they were together. Homosexuality didn't matter, he loved Karkat, and he knew it.

But then he looked over at Dave. Dave. The person who worked tirelessly to revive him. The person who struggled with letting him out of the card and actually giving him freedom. He was an irreplaceable friend and John owed him everything. He couldn't stand to see him in pain, and he knew the other boy would be hurt if he left. There would be a hole if he went with Karkat, a void no one else but him could fill. He knew that his decision would hurt one friend no matter what. 

He looked up at Karkat, giving him the warmest look he could muster. He tried to convey all his feelings with his marked eyes. The troll's body language gave him away, his ears perked up and his eyes shown brightly.

Slowly John started walking forward.

Step by step he worked his way over...

To Dave.

"I...I...I'm sorry," He whispered.

"Don't be, John. Don't be. It's not your fault, I understand." Karkat gave a hollow laugh and tried to smile. He forced down tears that were welling up and willed himself to be happy.

"Dave you mean so much to me. You're an amazing friend and I owe you my life. I want you to know that I'll always be with you, no matter what." Gently he leaned up and kissed him gently. "I love you, but, I also love Karkat." He took a step back. "And that's why I have to go with him." He desperately searched Dave's face for any sort of reaction but found none. "I want a life Dave, I want to try." He hugged his friend tightly, "I'll come visit, we can play videogames and order pizza and pass out on the couch watching stupid movies. I'm still your friend, and I really do thank you, for everything." He held Dave's hands in his own. "Thank you."

Dave smiled, "You're welcome."

John walked over to Karkat and clung to him, "I'm sorry I worried you." The troll purred softly as a response. He left to grab his clothes, the only real belongings he had, and a few movies before returning the living room. 

Strider walked confidently over to Karkat and John. "I always knew he would choose you. I'm glad he did. You'll take care of him right?"

"Of course," Karkat looked fondly at John, "I don't think I could cause him any harm. It's impossible."

Dave produced a card from his deck, John's card. He handed it to Karkat. "He's yours now. Please, keep him safe." Karkat nodded and accepted the card. Dave embraced John one more time, "I'm really glad that I was fucked up enough to create you. I wish you the best of luck, this is your second chance bro, don't screw up."

"I won't Dave."

He turned back to Karkat, "Make sure you keep that card safe, and come to me every six months to get John's age tweaked a bit." 

"I will." 

Together the troll and the human left the house and headed for a different future.

Karkat's apartment wasn't anything spectacular, but it was by no means a shit hole. John set his stuff down in Karkat's room and met the troll in the combination kitchen and living room. "So, this is where you live?"

"Yup, I know it's not the fucking best, but it's not the worst either." He walked over and placed a hand on John's face. "You said you loved me, was that true?"

"Of course Karkat, I wouldn't lie, not to you." Suddenly he found himself squeezed tightly by a crying troll. "Karkat, come on, you're supposed to be happy."

"I am. You have no fucking idea how happy I am." 

John smiled and unpacked his belongings as soon as Karkat released his death grip on him. He watched TV while Karkat ate and then leaned on the troll when he joined him. "This is going to be so weird," he commented, "I'll actually be living for myself soon."

Karkat nodded and could feel John's body tense. "You'll do fine." He played with his messy hair and commented, "We'll have to dye this soon, and figure out ways to make you less noticeable. But don't worry, we can do it." He smiled down at John, "If we make you look different enough I should be able to arrange a meeting between you and the others." 

Nothing made Karkat happier than the intense smile that exploded on John's face.

That night John slept in Karkat's arms surrounded by the sound of him softly purring.

\---

Your name is John Egbert, and you can say that confidently now. That was your name before, and it's your name now. The confusion that once shrouded your brain is gone, replaced with strength you never knew you had.

This is your future, and you know it's not going to be easy, but it's going to be yours and yours alone.

The next day Karkat comes back with bleach for your hair and contact lenses. "I hope you don't mind blond for now." He followed you to the bathroom and mixed and applied the bleach. It stung and the smell of chemicals entered your nose. But, after a while you rinsed it out and dried it revealing new blond hair underneath. 

Next you put in the contacts Karkat handed you. It took a few tries but eventually they slid on. Karkat said he got your prescription from Dave. Nothing could be done to cover the neon green rings around your irises so he got you regular contacts. After studying yourself in the mirror you decide you look different enough. "It's like I'm a master trickster and I'm fooling the world!" You spin around face Karkat; you can tell he's getting used to the different hair color too. "Think I can safely pass unnoticed in front of my friends?"

Karkat nodded and looked you over again. "You've aged quite a bit, that will throw them off too. Your eyes aren't the same and your hair is obviously not black. Without your glasses you could probably fool them. Just try not to act too much like Egderp and this might work." 

You nodded and realize that although you'll be meeting them, they won't know it's you. It makes you sad, but in the end you're happy you get the chance to see them again. It's been far, far too long. You might not be their John Egbert, but you get the gift of starting a friendship with them again, and that's well worth the chemical smell of your hair. 

And speaking of your hair, Dave laughs his ass off for a full five minutes when you go to visit him that day. "Dude, you do not look good blond."

"I dunno, I like it." Karkat interjects.

Dave you learn is stronger than you thought. He seems perfectly fine, which is a big relief to you. He's called Terezi already and is making plans to meet with her and a few others in the coming day. Dave is apprehensive about your own meeting, but Karkat assures him everything will work out.

\---

There is a nervousness you haven't had to feel in a long time as you and Karkat approach the café table where Rose and Jade wait. You spot Kanaya as well; she is holding Rose's hand on the table. 

"Hey, this is my friend I told you guys about," Karkat motions for you to step forward.

Their eyes are wide as you greet them, "Hey I'm John, it's very nice to meet all of you." They gasp a bit and you laugh. "Karkat told me something like this would happen. I look like your friend, don't I? Karkat had the same reaction. He even had the same name, isn't that crazy?" He smiled wide and laughed, "If you guys want, you can call me Jay, I don't mind. I can't imagine the pain you feel after losing someone so close."

Rose spoke first, "John is fine. There is no reason why we must call you by a different name just because you share it with a friend of ours." 

Jade giggled and bounced in her seat, "You really do look like him, it's soooooo weird. But kinda neat too. It's nice to meet you John."

"So," Rose asked, "I assume Karkat introduced us before your arrival?"

"Oh of course, Karkat talks about his friends a lot. You're Rose, and you're Jade, and if I remember correctly, Kanaya right?" 

"Yes, that's correct." She leaned back a bit. "So, how did you two meet?"

Karkat answered, "One the train to school actually."

"It was so odd, we have many of the same classes and we never noticed we take the same train to school. Finally we got partnered up in a lab and got talking. He's a really great guy."

"So, you're a medical biologist too?" Kanaya asked.

"No, I do chemical biology, but a lot of the basic classes are the same." 

"Where do you live? Close by?"

John looked over at Karkat, he nodded. "Actually, I live with Karkat. We moved in not too long ago." 

Jade leaned forward, "ohhhh are you guys dating?" 

"Well, sorta, I think." Karkat just placed his head in his hand. "I'm not sure how the whole troll romance thing works."

They all laughed and broke into casual conversation. You were so thrilled that things were going well. No one seemed to suspect anything and you were having the time of your life. You had to watch what you said but that didn't matter. Your friends were with you and that's all that concerned you. They had changed a bit over the years. But at the same time, they were all the same. Rose still had her sharp intellect and vocabulary to match, Kanaya was as perfect and proper as ever and Jade was still a ball of built up energy. It was so familiar and you felt at home at this little café table. You were all too sad when it ended, but everyone agreed you were welcome to join them in the future.

Before you left Jade commented on your eyes. "They're so unique and pretty!"

"Heh heh thanks. I'm pretty sure I'm the only one with them. I used to be pretty insecure about them, it's getting better though."

"You shouldn't be, they're beautiful." She complemented you before turning away, "I can't wait to talk again! See you guys later!"

You wave her off and Rose quietly approaches you. Karkat is busy chatting with Kanaya. "John come here for a second." You follow her away from Karkat a bit more. She whispers softly in your ear while hugging you, "Welcome back 'ghostyTrickster' I missed you."

Your eyes widen in shock, "But-how did you-"

She places a finger over your lips, "Shhhhh it's our little secret. Did you honestly think you could hide from me? After I spent so much time with you? I'm not sure what happened or how you're back, but it's good to know you're ok John." She could still see the worry in your eyes, "Relax, no one else noticed. You're doing a great job." You breathe a sigh of relief and she walks away. 

Karkat joins you and together you wave goodbye to Rose and Kanaya and retreat back to Karkat's apartment. 

Living with the troll is a lot different from living with Dave. He's so gentle, and nice. That also could be because he loves you, something he tells you daily. The nights are different too. He stopped sleeping in his recuperacoon in favor of a bed with you. Karkat would have nightmares, just like Dave. You could hear him whimper and growl during the night. The only difference is that Karkat possesses sharp claws that dig into your skin, and occasionally teeth. 

But you'd turn around and his eyes would flutter open and he'd see you. It's then he'd give you the biggest, goofiest, drowsy troll smile he could muster and curl into your chest. The neon in your eyes would glow at night, but that was ok with you because Karkat's eyes would glow faintly yellow. He said he didn't mind anymore and that they looked good. Sometimes it bothered you; you didn't like the reminder that you weren't really human. But Karkat didn't mind and you think eventually you won't mind either. Karkat was so ridiculously happy around you, and you were so happy with him. You would hold him every night and think about the past, and the future. You were confident in tomorrow "I love you Karkat," you would whisper into his ear while he slept.

Sometimes he would reply in a language you couldn't understand, "I love you too."

\---

The months slipped by while John lived with Karkat. Their feelings for each other only grew stronger and stronger. Soon Karkat ended up confessing flushed emotions and describing what it means to form a Matesprit bond with a troll. John was more than willing to accept. The two became inseparable. 

They still visited Dave weekly and hung out. He was working hard on new songs and possibly even scoring a few DJ jobs. Terezi helped him through most of the sadness caused by John's disappearance, the two fell right back into place, like Dave never isolated himself. 

John was working hard himself, learning all the information he missed from school, eventually he attended the university with Karkat side by side. His second chance at life was a gift greater than he could have ever imagined.

"Hey Karkat?"

"Hmm?" The troll replied they were sitting together on the roof, watching the sun sink behind the horizon. 

"Ever wonder what it would have been like if I hadn't died? Do you think we'd be together?"

"I don't know." He answered truthfully and simply. "I don't like to think about it either."

"Why's that? Scared?"

"No. There's just no point. Maybe somewhere out there, there is an alternate timeline with an alternate John. And maybe that John married Rose, or Dave, or someone completely new. But that John isn't you, and that John isn't my Matesprit. So, it's really not my concern, you're all that matters."

John smiled and leaned against him, "Sometimes I wonder. Sometimes I imagine a life where I'm not stored on a card, and I have real blood and tears and can eat dinner with you."

"You know none of that matters to me, right?"

"Yeah I know." He wrapped an arm around him, "But it's still fun to imagine."

Karkat kissed his forehead softly. "You're my stupid adorable human Egbert John, the very same I trolled as a teenager all those years ago on some frozen asteroid."

John in turn kissed Karkat softly on the lips, "And you're my annoying troll co-friendleader palhoncho." He smiled and pushed Karkat down so he could lie on top of him. Together they watched the sun set, hand in hand and heartbeats in synch.


End file.
